March is the Month of Dreams

March is the month for crazy dreams. Weird scenes pass through our sleeping minds painting pictures that would make Hieronymus Bosch proud. These mad vignettes are at their strongest in those precious nine minutes after we slap the snooze button.

"But Stubby," you interject, "my dreams haven't been very unusual. I hardly dream at all."

That's because you're not doing it right. The rest of us are having crazy dreams these days, and I'm here to explain the physics of it all.

March roars in like a lion. I know this because a) I helped Xanthippe make a giant poster with a message to this effect and b) the wind has been blowing my grill cover into the neighbor's yard every couple days.

So why, of all the Months that the Caesars gave us, is March the dreamiest? To answer this question, we need to examine the true nature of dreams and the true nature of March.

Normally, a dream is like a fog that surrounds the dreamer. The dream clings to us like a fart in church. No matter how we shift or toss or turn, the dream hangs like a psychic funk in the air around us. Throughout the night, this psychic funk guides our dreams in a fairly sequential manner (as sequential as dreams get, anyway).

March is the month here in the Northern Hemisphere where the earth wakes back up after winter's hibernation. Earth's morning ablutions take the form of wind, rain and snow, punctuated by clear days of dizzying beauty.

At the same time, there is a psychic wind blowing across the land. This psychic wind is the only thing that can jar loose the dream funk that envelopes us. As we sleep, our dreams cut loose and fly like a grill cover across the neighbor's yard.

Pretty soon, the air is full of the half-realized dreams of you, your neighbors, and all the folks who aren't positioned in the psychic lee-side of the mountains. As they blow past, our own sleeping minds pick up on the passing wisps of other people's dreams. Our Dream Processing Units (or DPUs for short) make every honest attempt to weave these dream-snippets into our own stream of consciousness.

All these factors work together to create the wacky dreams that March brings us.

I for one am a big fan of March dreams. Heck, even the nightmares are interesting. So if you don't see me around until the Lamb comes back, it's because I'm sleeping.