Scandal and Disgrace

As you have probably read in the news, Banjo College has recently come under a cloud of suspicion and scandal.

Numerous allegations have been leveled at our athletic department by the NCAA. These center around the Banjo College Bocce team. There have been rumors of eligibility infractions, illicit payoffs, and perhaps most troubling, the use of performance enhancing pharmaceuticals.

This, combined with the hazing deaths of two dozen freshmen bowlers, has tarnished the heretofore stellar reputation of BC athletics.

Further, our charter has been revoked by the Most Esteemed Banjo Council (or MEBC, for short) and the only academic accredit agency in the free world willing to touch us with a ten meter pole has burned down under suspicious circumstances.

Here at Banjo College, we seem to have lost touch with the lofty and august goals we started with:

1. To be the finest cut-rate diploma mill on the internets, sucking the hind teat of the Country Music Industrial Complex (or CMIC for short).
   
2. To bring together the finest minds in the field. To establish a banjo-related think-tank on a global level.
   
3. To bring forth important information to the public on various topics of universal concern, including, but not limited to cautionary tales of physics misapplied.
   
4. To field a team of the finest student-athletes who demonstrate the highest character on and off the green.
   

Sadly, there are many in our current administration who believe that the best way to return to our lofty roots is to stay the course. They believe that these scandals will die down and we can all someday return to Business as Usual (or BaU for short).

This is not the Banjo College Way. Subsequently, these backward-looking faculty members are being terminated even as you read this message.

The Registrar, for example, was a charter member of the Banjo College Faculty. In all this time, he has never issued a diploma, earned or otherwise. He was the first up against the wall.

Obviously, problems of this magnitude need swift remediation. Here is an outline for the changes we plan to make:

1. Invest in some crappy certificate maker program and start churning out worthless sheepskins like the disgrace to academia we were chartered to be.
   
2. Bring in new forward-thinking faculty. This process has already begun with the hiring of Professor 1/2 as a Research Fellow and Department Head.
   
3. Whomp up some kind of a bogus accreditation organization to bestow on our bogus university the kind of bogus recognition it deserves.
   
4. Immediately implement a strict steroids testing program for our student athletes (and to a lesser extent, our athlete students).
   
5. Terminate the entire IT staff. They're all just a bunch of fucking nazis anyway. This step has been calculated to increase productivity by 362 percent.
   

Banjo College Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Diplomas R Us Enterprises, does not ask you to forgive these transgressions. We accept full responsibility and pledge to make these changes to our organization in the event that, some time in the future, we are given a second chance to earn your trust.