Giving Your Daughter Away in an Information Age

One of the advantages to having children, I’ve found, is that it gives you a way to measure time. The times, they are a-changin’ as we all well know and it really does seem that they insist on a-changin’ exponentially. But those in the generation that is now emerging (and hasn’t even been assigned a letter yet) must think that life has always been like it is now. I wonder what it is like to be them to grow up on technology and cultural curves so steep. Life along flatter curves must seem so quaint to them.

I can remember when having a pager was “cool”, even though mine was only used to make me work off-hours. Unpaid. It was still cool. I remember when I got my first cell phone. “We'll just keep this in the glove compartment of the car for emergencies” was the rationale. Like CB radios didn’t exist, I guess.

Somewhere along the curve, Al Gore had to go and invent the internet, and then George W. had to come along and pluralize it. I find it hard to remember a life without it, or them. I have a vague memory of when I saw my first WWW page. But when did Instant Messaging come into my life? When did it become necessary for everybody to have a cell phone? I would find it hard to map these events in my life if it weren’t for my children. God bless ‘em. Every one.

Thanks to them, I can recall when Instant Messaging became a factor in my life. It was when my daughter was in the 5’th grade. Doing the math, I make that 1999. Back when we were all so worried about planes falling out of the sky and all. Back then, my family had a single, shared e-mail account on AOL and with it, a single, shared Instant Message account. Life was so simple back then. Except for the prospect of those planes falling out of the sky and all.

I remember having the old Victrola radio tuned into one of FDR’s fireside chats while I was “surfing” the then singular internet (or “mononet” as we called it back in the day). An Instant Message chat dialog appeared from a user name I didn’t recognize. The message was, simply, “Pete?”. “Pete” is the name I am going to use for my darling daughter whose full name of “Rainbow-Angel-Beauty-Girl” is just too long to have to type over and over.

So here I sit, looking at an Instant Message dialog that was not intended for me. Why would such a thing be here? My family only used the mononet for important research and e-mailing their relations. But here was an actual message for my daughter from someone I did not know. This did not sit well. You can probably discern as much from the following transcript of the conversation as best as I can remember it.

Unknown Person: “Pete?”
Me: “No. This is Pete’s father”
(pause)
Unknown Person: “Is Pete there?”
Me: “Yes, but I am using the computer now.”
Unknown Person: “This is (I forget the name, and it doesn’t really matter)”
Me: “Good for you (forgotten name here)”
(pause)
Identified but Still Effectively Unknown Person: “Do you think Pete likes me?”
Me: “I have no idea”
Identified but Still Effectively Unknown Person: “Do you think Pete would go out with me?”
(pause)
Me: “I’m not sure. You would have to pass the stick test first.”
(pause)
Identified but Still Effectively Unknown Person: “What is the stick test”
Me: “That is where I beat you with a stick until you fall down. Then I throw you against the wall and if you stick to it, you can go out with her.”
(very long pause)
Identified but Still Effectively Unknown Person: “Don’t you think that would discourage boys from wanting to go out with Pete?”

I don’t remember my final reply to the Identified but Still Effectively Unknown Person. Whatever it was, it was unnecessary. He got the message. As for Pete, she got some teasing at school for this - but it is not like this was the only occasion I intentionally exposed my children to healthy derision, much as the Amish do. We folk who have no tolerance for assholes must abide this kind of separation, and we are better for it.

As for Pete’s future dating career, there was not much of one for the following years. I was fine with that. I mean we are talking “5’th Grade” here! Fortunately, Pete seemed to be fine with it too. She seemed to have embraced the tradition that dating outside the faith (aka. assholes) just for the sake of dating was not worth it. But the next thing you know, it is five years later. George W. is in the white house, and being an asshole has never been cooler. Could she handle this exponential cultural trajectory? I’m telling you, it is a father’s deepest concern.

And now (2005), it is prom season and Pete has an actual date. No doubt this kid has heard rumors of the “stick test”. In the paparazzi madness before the event, Sybil even had me pose with The Boy and his Sociopath Friend waiting for Pete’s date to arrive. We are all holding sticks. Except I think the Sociopath was holding a dulled machete. Gotta have that in the family yearbook. I knew putting up with that kid would eventually come in handy.

Truth be told, anyone that Pete asks out for a date does not have to pass the stick test. It is only used for other-ways-round. I trust Pete’s adherence to the family’s zero-asshole tolerance policy as much as I do gravity. The tuxedoed young man was graciously welcomed, and repeatedly photographed. We did not ask for so much as a DNA sample. If he noticed The Boy hiding in the hedges with a bamboo pole or his Sociopath Friend and his machete, he did not mention it.

And then they were off. And nothing along this now vertical technology curve can do a damn thing about it. Except maybe that Pete does have a cell phone. And if this fine young courtier should turn out to be an actual asshole, I’ve got my stick, The Boy has a menacing bamboo pole and his Sociopath Friend has the dulled machete.

Some technologies are in no need of change. There are some curves that remain remarkably flat. Assholes would be wise to know that.