banjocollege/politics/white chair

OMg, 17'5 7H3 wH173 ch41R!!11!!1!

a bit of investigative journalism from your friends at banjo college

 

As has been reported by countless news agencies over the last year, the United States is currently at war with Terror. Sometimes it seems as if The Terrorists Have Already Won. Other times, Mission Accomplished. One thing is for sure, though. They started it. The President of the United States first decided to invade Afghanistan because that's where the President of Terror was living at the time. We think he might still be living there in a cave, but we're not totally certain. Once the President of Terror was holed up (literally) underground (again, literally), the President of the United States turned his attention to the Implements of Terror. These were given the name Weapons of Mass Destruction or WMD for short. We weren't exactly sure what the W's of MD were, but we were pretty certain of their location. Yes, you're right. Most of them were in the United States. But we're talking about the other WMDs. Those were in Iraq. We know this is true because the President, The Secretary of State, The Secretary of Defense and the National Security Advisor told us so. The President of Earth sent Hans Blix to search for W's of MD, but he came up empty. So the United States invaded Iraq. The President of Iraq knew exactly what to do. He found a cave and crawled inside. Well, actually, he built a cave and crawled inside. Meanwhile, soldiers of the United States scoured Iraq, searching for those pesky WoMDs. None were ever found Which brings us (finally) to the Conspiracy Theory part of our story. All good conspiracy theories start with the sentence: "Ask yourself this." So... Ask youself this: Why would the President, The Secretary of State, The Secretary of Defense and the National Security Advisor all be so absolutely sure that there were WMDs lying all over the place in Iraq, and then suddenly tell us that there were none to be found? Well, one answer is that there weren't any in the first place. But that's no fun. The real answer is this: The United States found a Weapon of Mass Destruction so powerful, so technically advanced, so terribly frightening that its very existence could not be revealed to the general public, lest Mass Confusion and Hysteria break out. Think about it. It's the only possible answer (other than the "never were any WMDs in the first place" one). So Ask Yourself This: What kind of weapon might have this kind of destructive power? What possible horror could be so terrible that it even scares The Guy with His Finger on the Button? To answer this question, we need to go back many centuries, millennia even, to Ancient Persia. We know from literature that the place was lousy with Djinns and Jeannies and such. Magic lamps, enchanted caves, you know the drill. Somehow the President of Terror got together with the President of Iraq and unleashed this Ancient Magic on the Modern World. What form does this magic take? How vulnerable are we in the Western World? How has this Magic of Mass Destruction already been used? To answer this question, we need to go back many weeks, months even, to Modern War-Torn Iraq. We've seen images emerge from the Fog of War. Images of terror, of prisoner degradation and abuse, of senseless murder. These images are splashed across our TV screens, our newspapers, and our Conspiracy Websites. Ask yourself this: What do these pictures all have in common? That's right. The White Plastic Chair. Somehow, an Evil Djinn or whatnot had been visited on the inanimate plastic object. This evil force was able to transport the chair through time and space from one atrocity to another. We know this to be true because, although there is only one white plastic chair in existence, it is visible in every photograph from every Crime Against Humanity released by the Military Industrial Complex This is proof, of course, that WMDs do exist and that they are being exploited by both sides in the War on Terror. This is the very threat recognized by Our Great Leaders and developed by the Axis of Evil. The Evil Magic White Plastic Chair of Destiny is the greatest danger facing National Security today. And they don't want you to know! As a service to humanity, we the Faculty and Staff of Banjo College have taken it upon ourselves to save our planet from the scourge of this evil chair. We sent our operatives to War-Torn Iraq and, under cover of night or whatnot, captured the Evil Magic White Plastic Chair of Destiny. We have sequestered this Accursed Furniture on our campus, and our fine security force has been questioning the Evil Seat. As you can see from the picture above, the Bad Furniture remains defiant. We have considered more strenuous interrogation techniques, perhaps even piling The EMWPCofD with other Wicked Furniture under our control and taking embarrassing photographs. Let's all pray it doesn't come to that.